My mammogram

My mammogram tech was amazing. She was kind, caring, and basically everything one would hope a boob tech would be. She understood the fact that at best, a mammogram is an uncomfortable procedure, and an emotional nightmare at its worst.

Even if you go in for a routine mammo, you get the niggling in the back of your mind. The “what if”. With some effort, most women can push it aside until they hear the results. If you go in for a diagnostic mammo though, you already know something is wrong, so then the “what if” inevitably turns into “what will they find”.

I knew there was a lump in my left breast. I knew it hurt at times and that it was not decreasing in pain or size. Externally, I had a small bruise that wasn’t going away and could now see a small dimple in the underside of my breast. I assumed the bug bite had somehow gotten infected so finally caved in and went to my primary care hoping for a magic pill/antibiotic that would make make it all go away, so I could go merrily on my way.

I was annoyed when my primary care doctor wouldn’t prescribe anything until she found out what it was. I kind of wanted her to do it the other way. Like if the antibiotic doesn’t work, then I will go get a mammogram.

I live in the boonies, almost an hour from town and I didn’t want to waste more time driving to unnecessary appointments. Subconsciously, I also knew that if they were interested in imaging they were going to want to prod more. This is why I didn’t want to go in. If you don’t want someone smooshing your boobs you definitely don’t want to think about them doing anything more.

I finally got enough guts to schedule my mammogram at the imaging center and just a couple of days prior, my appointment got cancelled. Apparently, if you’ve had one before, they won’t schedule you an appointment until they get the images from your last one. I had a mammogram at 40 (yeay responsible me 🙂 ) stating dense breasts, but with no abnormalities. Problem was that it was in MA and I now live in AK. Apparently they have to hand deliver/walk across the continental US to get me the scans as they have to send the hard copy on disk as it can’t be accessed digitally.

So I waited. Nothing the next week when I called to check in, and they hadn’t even gotten around to calling my previous pcp for the records. I waited the next week and called again, and it was still in process. So I searched online for the MA breast center info and called again with their details.

I waited a couple of more days and then started to think about it and got a bit annoyed. It didn’t make sense. Who tells someone with a lump in their boob (despite what it is) that they have to wait to be seen? What if it was cancerous, and the cancer kept growing all this time you had to wait? I called them back explaining that it was a diagnostic mammo and so even though I didn’t have a baseline image I still needed it done. I asked if they could take just schedule me in to take the images while I am in town (as I only try to go once a week) and wait for the baseline to come in for the comparisons. Still nada.

I went into my pcp the next week for bloodwork and complained to the medical assistant there. He was awesome and I could hear him right away on the phone explaining to them that it was a necessary procedure and they needed the results NOW. Still no. Nope, nada and no. I finally got frustrated enough to call to speak to a manager the next business day. I couldn’t believe that if a person found a lump and was freaking out that they could needlessly have to wait months for previous images until they could even schedule an appointment to see what it was. This time, the receptionist at the imagining center took pity on me and talked the techs into taking the images without the baseline at the end of the week.

Conveniently my scans were there when I went to my appointment. My tech at the appointment was brilliant. She explained everything clearly and walked me through when to stand still and when to hold my breath so the images would be clear. She then had me wait, still gowned, for the radiologist to review the results and determine if more images needed to be taken. She did both sides and then took additional images of both breasts.

She hesitated a bit when the radiologist wanted the additional images. She said that, if available, the breast care coordinator would go over results with patients after the radiologist reviewed the images when this occurred. After I got dressed, she found the coordinator and ushered me into that special room.

No one wants to be sent to the special room. You already know something is up when you have to go there. I already knew I had a lump in my breast so now I figured I was right, and now they were going to have to poke at it.

The Nurse Practitioner was busy in front of her computer when I came in. She glanced up, said hello and told me to have a seat in the chair. She then logged in, pulled up the images, and then turned around. She told me her name and said “Well, I assume you already know why you are here.” I figured she was going to tell me I had a mass in my left breast, which I already knew.

She started talking and said well the mass in your right breast is at 1 o’clock and is about 2-2.5cm. I said “You mean left.”, thinking she had the wrong breast. She glanced up at her computer and said “No, right.” I’m thinking at this point that I sometimes don’t know my left from my right (as I teach group fitness and always have to do stuff backwards) so I hold my left side and said “Left breast, right?”

She looks at me in frustration and is like yes, that is your left breast, your left breast mass is about 3-3.5 cm and is at 4 o’clock. At this point I am confused. I asked her what she meant so she tried explaining a clock face to me.

Her: The breasts are like a clock and the hands describe the location of the masses. So your right breast mass is at 1 o’clock. Me: You mean left breast? She looks at the computer again, gets more frustrated and asks if the radiologist had explained this to already. Me: Nope. What radiologist? I never saw one, only the tech. Her: Well did the tech tell you anything? Me: She said that was your job.

She opens a drawer and pulls out this long cardboard backed sheet thingy with some words and a bunch of metal bits in a long column. Her: These are the markers and they are going to put one in when they biopsy the masses. Me: Masses? At this point I’m touching both boobs, trying to imagine a clock. I look up at her and say, well isn’t there a lump here, isn’t that like 7 o’clock? I can hear her irritation now.

Her: Look at my computer. Here is an outline of of woman, marked with where your masses are on your breasts. This is your right breast, its at 1 o’clock, and this is your left breast, it’s at 4 o’clock. Me again: Masses?

Then I see it. I see it on the screen. There isn’t just one mass, but there are two. I stare at it for a second that feels like an eternity, and absorb the fact that there are two black ovals drawn in. One on each boob.

Me: I have two lumps? Her: Didn’t someone tell you this already? I quit listening. I sit and stare at her dumfounded as she starts talking about the size of the different markers and when the biopsy can be scheduled. I watch as she takes her pen and scrolls down the list to the different sized markers and points at one. I faintly hear her say that this is the marker they will put in my breast when they do the biopsy. Biopsies. I look at her and realize she just told me they were putting metal in my breasts. Me: You’re putting metal in my boobs? Her: Yes. Me: Does that mean I’ll be freakin’ Iron Man? Her: No, they are titanium.

I feel like this is some surreal sick joke and I all I can do or think about is that I just need to leave this room. I have to go. I have a class to teach and I don’t want to be late. I need to get out of this room so I can breathe. My students need me and I definitely don’t need to be here any longer.